Its been a long time coming from the depths of denial and apathy. How many times did I half-heartedly attempt to change my ways? I don't have enough fingers and toes to count. Things were fine, I would convince myself. I'm enjoying myself. I can still hang. I did it before. I know what to do. Deflection, excuses, denial: all ways to keep me from facing the truth. That truth: that I was unhealthy, overweight, losing touch with the inner fire, out of balance, and deep inside--UNHAPPY.
Yes, you read that right. I have done this before. 14 years ago I embarked on a similar journey. Ever since I was about 10, I have been big in varying degrees; and after I began college--with all the fun temptations, lack of interscholastic sports, and general chicanary--I found myself 21 years old, 300+ pounds, and wanting to change. It is hard to put it into words, but there I was in hotel room on a business trip in New Hampshire--and I finally had enough. It was a light switch that suddenly flipped. My motivation--while difficult to describe to you--was clear and present in my mind. Upon return home, I immediately got down to business. I reached out to friends who I knew could help. One in particular, who was a personal trainer, helped me put my plan in place. And 2 years later I was 211 pounds, loving life, and making the best of it all. It was easy to change my habits--I just needed motivation. Sounds too easy, right? It is. Because its not just motivation. It's the acceptance of reality and wanting to do something to change.
So what happened between then and now? Short answer: Life. When I first moved to Folsom, there were several factors which contributed to gradual decline in fitness. My focus was on 1) career, 2) fun, and 3) whatever could be squeezed in from there. I lost my way, and I didnt care that I did.
As my health and fitness gradually declined. I did not want to face the truth. I didnt think it was that big of deal. I would try something to get back on track and would give up. I would think about motivating factors--feeling better, looking better, enjoying life--but I would fall back to my apathetic habits. I would deflect offers of help by sanctimoniously saying "Don't tell me what I need to do. I've done it before." Like I said above, I was deflecting away from the reality that I KNEW that my habits were unhealthy and unsustainable. I didnt want to face that reality. I was "happy" in my ignorance.
Fast forward to 2010. All those years of apathy were starting to take their toll. I found myself at my heaviest recorded weight. My "happiness" had deminished and now was not so happy. And it was affecting everything in my life: my health, my work, and my relationships. I started to peel away the curtains of denial and apathy, and I realized that this can not be sustained. My mind jumped to the words of Morgan Freeman's character, Red, from the "Shawshank Redemption." He said, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." I knew that it was time to change. Time to get back to taking care of of this earthly vehicle that has been leased to me. The lightswitch. I found it. It was right here all along.
For sake of brevity, that last paragraph was a distilation of several weeks/months of reflection, turmoil, and rediscovery. But the key message is I faced these things and I no longer judged myself for being a failure in this area of my life. I accepted that I was where I was and was finally ready to start on that trek back up that hill.
In the 3 weeks since the start of the largest loser, I have enjoyed every minute of it. It hasn't been a sacrifice. It feels natural and habitual. I love feeling the progress and change occur in my body and mind. I love feeling this way--period! The other folks in the contest are great, and its great to help inspire others to find their mojo as well as to be inspired by them. I may get wrapped up in the contest some times, but all in all I am focused on making good choices and enjoying the time that has been given to me on this planet. I look forward to making more progress. And I look forward to sharing more.
Peace, Love, Joy
Cheers!
